I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
