why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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