I'd wear matching sweaters with you
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
