there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
