your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
