Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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