Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
A+ Viking dick
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
