Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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