if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
