so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
