So drunk its hurt
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
