Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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