did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I did not marry a roomba.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
