im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
