you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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