im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
