hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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