My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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