new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
