i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
operation have a gay friend backfired
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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