I want to have your abortion
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
