My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
