No period for spring break; use this wisely.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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