just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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