uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
