I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
