Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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