i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
