I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
organizing the empties. That sober.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
