Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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