My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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