That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
