my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
