what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
