I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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