I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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