you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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