watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
