Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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