I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
