he was CRYING into my vagina
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize