my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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