I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
