Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
