I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
