you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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