you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
