I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
