Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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