I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
