Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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